Park Season is Underway

Al Davis once said, “Just Win Baby.”

While many athletic organizations take this inspirational quote to heart, the Abusement Park, a band of Senior Bros, couldn’t care less.

The Abusement Park is in its fourth year and is still improving. Employing a moto of ‘Fuck Shit Up,’ the team has become increasingly ridiculous over the course of their existence. Led by captain/leading scorer Oliver Rockman, the Park is 0-1-2 this season, tying their second game of the season.

While some may attribute their lack of wins to their lack of scoring drives, players believe that the apparent translucence of the spectators may be playing a role. This season, the Abusement Park has shattered YMCA attendance records, bringing in over 10,000 per game. The odd part is that, despite the large presence of support, it is hard to see any of them.

In speaking with Abusement Park team officials, they urged me to communicate to readers that it is essential that they stop wearing their invisibility cloaks to the game. Many spectators may be worried, understandably so, at the potential for the presence of Jerry Sandusky. After all, the man does love kids in middle school.

With the arrest of the rapist this weekend, fans can cheer assured that are safe. The only penetration this week will be into the lane.


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