After my experience tonight, I wanted to warn the beloved readers of Taint It about the atrocity that is the Malibu Grill.

If you are ever in Bloomington, Indiana, the site of Indiana University, DO NOT go to the Malibu Grill. From the beginning of the night, I knew that I was in the wrong restaurant. As I walked in the door, I was greeted by some feminine piano ‘mood’ music that was very reminiscent of The Fray. The sensation of being in a Cable Car continued as I was sandwiched between an ugly-ass wall and the ugly ass of Oliver Rockman.

When we arrived at the place, it was 7:25… no seat… ok! Our reservations were for 7:30. No big deal.


NOT! Seconds turned to scores of seconds and scores of seconds turned to minutes. Finally, we were acknowledged at 8:05, only 35 minutes late.

As evidenced by my attitude towards Michael Vick, I am one to give second chances so I put a smile on my face. This smile only lasted until I realized that over 75% of the guys in the restaurant were either avid Fray fans or gay and 74.9% of the were both.

As evidenced by my attitude towards Ron Artest, I am also one to give third chances. This fact, coupled with the apparently delicious appetizer bread, put a smile on my face once again. This smile only lasted until I realized that the bread tasted like thick cardboard.

Next, in a gracious gesture, the manager brought us some appetizers to compensate for our wait. Only two problems: 1. Your restaurant has already f***ed itself and 2. Why the f*** would you serve your pissed off customers a s•••ty bowl of cheesy spinach?

Apparently this manager is attempting to uphold an extremely hipster establishment. Inspired by the Occupy Bloomington movement down the street, I would assume that the menu offerings were meant to appeal to the 1% of America who enjoys indulging themselves in a bowl of green shit. This same 1% is comprised of the select few who like The Fray. Seriously though, if I wanted to eat green shit, I would turn my attention to Oliver’s hotel pillow but I digress.

Needless to say, the second half of the meal was no better than the first. My dear mother was slighted by the waiting staff and her order was completely forgotten about. For those of us who actually got food, the dishes were overwhelmingly uninspiring, like The Fray. As I was eating my orange colored pasta that I was 100% sure was spit in, I decided to share my experience with y’all and to award the establishment with an official Taint It “Shit Stick” award.

At this point, I was expecting to either pay 0% of my bill or be paid for my trouble. Instead, our table was charged for 3 items we either never ordered, never received or sent back, like millions of Fray CDs.

I believe that the picture seen below is a good indication of how I feel about The Malibu Grill.


5 comments on “Warning

  1. This trip to malibu grill seems to be entirely your fault. Just looking at the outside of the restaurant tells me that the food inside that restaurant is subpar and that there is likely a lot of fray music being played inside.

  2. I found this article very entertaining, possibly one of the funniest that Ive read on all of tainted….however the hypocrisy involving censorship spoiled it for me. Why censor the words “fuck” and “shit” in the article while you were wearing such an offensive shirt? SMH @ U drinkthekoolaid, SMH @ U

  3. Pingback: Follow Up: Warning | Tainted

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