Greetings all. As the majority of Tainted’s authors and readers are new college students, they are dealing with new problems that they have rarely, if ever faced before. Communal living is much different at home: roommates can have far different personalities and habits than you (my roommate is in ROTC and wakes up at 5 am two days a week) and also as foodvulture13 previously mentioned, it is highly possible that the bathrooms carry STDs. However, besides these anxieties, I have noticed one issue that is far more important. An issue that will force you to be crafty and devious, while risking your dignity.
This issue is best summarized by the question: Where do you whack it?? Gentlemen, we no longer have the simplicity of going to our private room and enjoying ourselves. We now have roommates, that can come in at any time unannounced. Some of you probably do pretty fucked up shit too, and you don’t want to risk getting caught or you’ll forever be “that guy”. Luckily for you gueys, ya boy Chachi has done some research, polling upperclassmen and remembering the most common ideas and best tips.
#1. Roommate contracts
I can’t speak for anyone else’s college, but USC requires roommates to come up with contracts to settle disputes. Want to avoid your roommate interrupting your pelvic massage? Simply schedule it into the contract. Every few days (or whatever interval you prefer) put in a 30 minute “relaxation” period. The best part of this idea is besides giving you your own time, your roommate can have theirs too. With this plan, you’ll avoid the dreaded moment when you stroll into your room unannounced, only to lock eyes with your roommate as they climax. Fuck. That.
#2. Convenient Times
This plan is very similar to the last, though slightly less efficient. It is recommended to those who don’t want to discuss the art of masturbation with their roommate. For this method you have to time your roommate. Figure out their schedule, not just classes, but when they like to eat lunch, when they go out, nearly everything. Take notes for roughly a week or two until you have discovered patterns. Now you know what to expect and you can strike! This method is still a little risky as humans are known for unpredictable behavior. Another method that relates to time is to set a vibrating alarm on your phone for the middle of the night (as to not wake up your roommate as well) then stealthily creep out of your room and do the deed.
Chachi’s note: I personally do not recommend either of these, but they are very popular.
#3. The ballsy strategy
To pull of this strategy you must either have major balls or not give a fuck. Conveniently, often if you have one you have both. In my dorm’s bathrooms there are 3 stalls. There is one marked “Number 1”, another marked “Number 2” and a third marked “Either”. To put a long story short, this strategy is whacking it in the third stall, and not caring who hears. **THIS IS FOR MEAN MOTHERFUCKERS ONLY, NO RATCHETS**
So those are the three main strategies I came up with. Fellow tainters, how have you been getting off while at school?