First and foremost, mad props on the activity on tainted since the beginning of the school year gentlemen. It becomes abundantly clear to me that Tainted WordPress writers are this nations backbone. Furthermore, i must apologize for my inactivity in a time which you taints have produced so much interesting reading material for all of us. College has been very busy but even more awesome as I’m sure Foodvulture can attest, but that is no excuse. In an attempt to make up for it I will share what little bits of my first night in Lincoln I can recall.

It all started after our initial Delt meeting where all the pledges as well as many upperclassman introduced themselves. While checking out different areas of our recently remodeled frat house I must’ve been asked 20 times by the actives if I was ready to get fucked up/blackout. I immediately gained some hood points with these bros with a typical Marshall response: “I was born ready.” Us “Squabs,” as the upperclassmen refer to us, then headed outside to catch some of the sober drivers for the night to take us to the party. When we Arrived, no alcohol. but…


More alcohol than I ever could’ve imagined was carried in to form a 21 case pyramid of keystone (not the best, but wayyyy better than the usual natural light) and many handles of hard liqueur. All of us freshman were then instructed to get a beer and gather round a few of the seniors. Basically they set down the Delt rule that if an upperclassman asks, “what’s gonna happen now” all younger members say “this gonna happen now” and finish what’s left of their beer. After a practice run, the  Regular festivities began to commence.

I must have met at least 50 new people none of which I can remember except for some dude in a packers hat who conversed with me for a bit about how awesome Jordy and Rodgers were last season (bless their souls). By flawless logic, all the beer was kept in a bathtub upstairs, on one of my ventures down from grabbing a brew i biffed it but somehow managed not to spill. This led me to believe i couldn’t be the only one, so I decided to post up in the vicinity and watch drunks fall up and down the stairs. I wish i had a camera, the LOLZ were fantastic.

The Upperclassman decided to walk around making all of us take pulls of jager (which tastes surprisingly decent, similar to black licorice) and straight bartons vodka (which I am pretty sure i have taste aversion to now. Now I didn’t recall much of anything after this point, probably due to the golden rule of drinking, “Liqueur before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liqueur, never sicker.” So because of that the remainder of the story is told from what i have heard from my Delt bros.

At some point I got into one of our rush chairs cars (for those of you who don’t know the rush chairs meet with kids and decided if they’re worthy of joining their fraternity or something like that). Anyway, apparently about half way to the house I threw up all over the side of his car. I didn’t recall, so when people were talking about how someone threw up on his car the next morning I was like “Damn, what a jackass.” Finding out it was me made me feel like I indeed was a jackass.

We arrived at the house and got out of the car. I am told that the president was outside the house and despite many of my brothers and him trying to get me to my room I persistent in my idea to sleep on the comfy gravel outside (classic comfy Dave move). Eventually I got to my room and was faced with the challenge of getting into my bed just 18 inches from the ceiling. While being rather difficult while I was sober, my roommates said i seemed very confident I would get up there. Nevertheless, after two falls they put my mattress on the floor and I passed the fuck out.

I don’t recall when I went to bed, but am pretty sure I didn’t get my 8 hours. I was awoken from my slumber promptly at 7:45 to go and clean the kitchen. It may have been one of the more disgusting things I have seen when it comes to food preparation and understood why it needed cleaning. But whether I was still drunk or hungover for the first time I was in no position to be productive. Not to mention there was just about no way for me to get much needed hydration. This left me with one option: I resorted to my comfy state in a shitty chair and went to sleep. Here is a picture taken by our own Datassassin:

In turn I have decided to only drink beer and keep a large bottle of water by my bed to drink before going to sleep.  So far it has been excellent! Whatever your fancy, always remember the golden rule of drinking in college my friends. The next day will thank you.

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One comment on “

  1. I would like to add on part of the night that David forgot to mention. I was in the bathroom puking (like I usually do) when Dmarsh opens the door and stumbles into the bathroom. “Whassup Dave!!” was my response as I see my fellow tainted brother walk into the bathroom. I had already puked enough to have sobered up a little bit to know that Dave probably needs the toilet. So I moved over to the sink and proceeded to continue throwing up while Dave used the toilet. He remembers none of this.

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