As a new fantasy football season is on the horizon, it is time for the first rankings of the season. While is it difficult to project who will truly be successful this season, these rankings where selected using the average projected points scored from multiple fantasy football websites, including ESPN, rotowire, and whatever the fuck I feel like. If you have an issue with these rankings, you either are on drugs or know absolutely nothing about fantasy football, both of which, as it turns out, applies to most of you. Anyways, here we go.
I couldn’t decide whether to start at the top or the bottom, but I feel it’s more suspenseful to leave the best for last. DON’T just scroll down to find your team. That would be disrespectful to the author. If you feel like you are ranked too low, don’t bitch about it, actively do something to make your team better.
14. Team 420
The owner of this team proved he is a knowledgable player, as one of the teams he drafted this year is looking pretty solid. Unfortunately for the owner of WEED, that team was someone else’s. He did get somewhat shafted by the 14th pick, but it was proven last year that a great owner can draft from any spot. Dez Bryant seems to have finally gotten his shit together and should have a big year, but DeMarco Murray’s health concerns are worrisome. If healthy, this team could do some damage.
13. OoOoo Kill Em
Alfred Morris may be able to carry this team, but aside from Matt Ryan, the supporting cast isn’t too impressive here. CJ2K could have a big year, but this team is starting two third string receivers (albeit from strong offenses), and that isn’t a winning recipe. Too much competition for points for both Decker and Jones leads to fantasy mediocrity.
12. Saigon Sticky Ick-eeee
Awful running back depth is what lands this team here. A solid quarterback and skilled wide receivers will keep this team in contention, but this team is NOT trill. Not picking a running back in the first two rounds is risky business, and this team’s future looks about as bleak as Joe answering the phone at Granite City.
11. Poop On You
This team undoubtedly has a lot of speed, that is not at question. The owner, however, made a massive mistake with his early selection of perennially disappointing Darren McFadden. Megatron will undoubtedly put up huge numbers, but this team lacks the necessary supporting cast to produce. Only time will tell if assasin’s self proclaimed “dumb pick” (paraphrase) of RGIII over Tom Brady will pay off. I think not.
10. Calvin Knows
Calvin Knows that Ray Rice could have a huge year. He also knows, however, that Frank Gore is trending down. What he doesn’t know, however, is that Calvin Johnson is no longer on his team. Calvin may know that Russell Wilson is a stud, but he definitely does not know the definition of consent.
9. Big Fin
This team has received a crapton of hype, but I’m not jumping on the bandwagon. There are some definite studs (Martin, Graham), but also some serious holes. And unless Vick Ballard has fucked a cousin of Fin’s, I don’t see him contributing much. This team will go as high as Brady, Martin, and Graham take it.
8. Twat Ticklers
The TT’s definitely get bonus points for a positively banging team name. But a lackluster bench and injury prone RB2 in Ryan Matthews doesn’t bode well. This team definitely has some potential, but injuries could be a problem. The twat ticklers may think they’re shit doesn’t stink, but let me tell you something, it does stink, it stinks like shit.
7. Southern Hospitality
This is a team that has gotten a lot of bad press lately. In the writer’s opinion, this is unjustified, as while this team may not blow anyone out of the water, this is a solid team. Matt Forte should thrive in Mark Treshman’s new offense. Aaron Rogers will have a huge year, and this team is full of solid players and has legitimate depth. Surprise sleeper: Dexter McCluster. You heard it here first. This team will surprise people. #nepotism
6. La Verga de Destruccion
Team dick attempts to defend it’s title behind a team with massive potential. C.J. Spiller could be a top running back, and Lamar Miller, Cecil Shorts, and Colin Kaepernick could have breakout seasons. This is a team with a chance to repeat as winner, yet it will not have the luxury of beating the same team the first two weeks of the season, although it still does play the same team in the opening games. (Is it the same schedule as last year David? SMFH).
5. Childerness Doughderson
Led by Beast Mode this team could put up some serious numbers. A formidable receiver combo in Andre Johnson and Jewlio Jones combined with Andrew Luck, who looks set for a big year, bodes well for this team. It doesn’t appear team Childerness will be holding anyone’s dick this year.
4. Anal Seepage
Led by League virgin Nelson and disgraced former commissioner Seline, the main problem for this team will be not coming to it’s peak too early and in it’s pants, and then telling everyone else about it.
3. 2 Fingerz in Da Pooper
Holy asterisk! When the commissioner ends up with the first pick, questions are going to be asked, but our personal Roger Goodell has drafted himself quite the squad. Stafford should have a big year, as well as Fitz. And AP, who to my extent has not had sexual relations with a member of David’s family, will obviously put up huge numbers. One weakness in this team is the flex spot, as Le’Veon Bell’s health is in question, but a solid core will carry these guys far. Possibly this team will finally answer the question, “What is the Michigan Difference?”
2. Team Amin
The owner of the league’s most confusing team name has himself quite the stable of running backs. Also touting a very capable quarterback in Eli and good receivers, this is a team that appears to be without holes. If 10dmarsh10 can avoid fucking up his team with needless transactions throughout the season, they could be contenders.
1. Mr. Winky Pokin’ Stinky
In a surprising turn of events, what was once considered the shittiest team in league history has drafted shockingly well. Although they used some help, the core of Newton, Foster, Marshall, Cobb, and Nicks will be hard to beat. This team’s solitary outlier is the unimpressive Chris Ivory in the second running back position. While there is no doubt in my mind the owners of this team will inevitably mess up and cause this team to ultimately fail, this is an impressive group on paper, and hey, these are power rankings, not projected final standings, so fuck off, ok?
These rankings are not scientific and it’s quite difficult to compare all of the teams at once, but I did my best. Anything can happen during the course of the year, and it’s incredibly likely I look like an asshole in a number of scenarios. But anything is possible, and here’s to a great fantasy season.